wokeuptweets

#wokeupthismorning excited that Dolly Parton is giving me cookery lessons. We’re woking nine to five, then it’s the way to bake and sieving.

#wokeupthismorning and veterinarian Debbie Harry couldn’t decide what was making my cow sick. “Wrong hay, or an udder.”

#wokupthismorning and the Rev Smokey Robinson married me to Tucker Jenkins actor Todd. People say I’m the wife of the Carty.

#wokeupthismorning and Sam Cooke is going to fix my car with his oxyacetalyne torch. What a wonderful weld this would be.

#wokeupthismorning & Nancy Sinatra did a breast augmentation op on me at physicist Stephen’s request. These boobs are made for Hawking.

#wokeupthismorning & Otis Redding fixed my smoothie-maker. “There you go,” he said. “Now, try a little blender test.”

#wokeupthismorning to find Bill Withers always knows if a racing pigeon is slow: “Just one look at you & I know it’s gonna be a dove delay.”

#wokeupthismorning & regretted getting Marvin Gaye to paint that rude fresco for me. When I check that ceiling, I’ve got sex mural peeling.

#wokeupthismorning to discover the new ‘Austerity’ version of Sgt Pepper includes an ATOS remix - Demeaning For The Benefits Of Mr Kite.

#wokeupthismorning after a threesome with Fred Gwynne and Mark Everett: My beloved Munster & E, we come everywhere together.

#wokeupthismorning and found my celebrity stalker Cliff Richard had chained himself under my house and was shouting abuse. Got myself a spying, clanking, creeping, wanking, living troll.

#wokeupthismorning & played an R.E.M. song to coax a vertigo-suffering TV fashion guru down from my roof: This one goes out to Gok Wan above

#wokeupthismorning after a confusing orgy with ELP and Haircut 100. “Where do we go from here? Is it down on Greg Lake I fear?”

#wokeupthismorning & invited a horny, Arctic Monkeys-loving, Marxist revolutionary to a disco. I bet that Che gets wood on the dance floor.

#wokeupthismorning to discover My Perfect Cousin was actually about extreme homebrewing: His mother bought him an absinthesiser