wokeuptweets

#wokeupthismorning & Jools Holland returned my iPod to me after promising to “fix it later”. Now every song’s got a boogie woogie riff.

#wokeupthismorning & The Moody Blues had a corgi-related accident collecting honours. You wouldn’t believe what the Knights in white sat in.

#wokeupthismorning and got a text from Smokey Robinson with two smiley faces at the end. He always seconds that emoticon.

#wokeupthismorning after having sex with the averagely endowed Derek Acorah. He was a happy medium.

#wokeupthismorning & discovered Johnny Nash wrote his most famous hit on a Cambridgeshire rail station: I Can See Ely Now The Train Has Gone

#wokeupthismorning & The Happy Mondays’ dancer got it up after being limp for 3 days when I played a Stone Roses song: I Am The Bez-erection

#wokeupthismorning and snitched on Sting for manufacturing illegal drugs. I warned him: “Every meth you bake…I’ll be watching you.”

#wokeupthismorning and a UN weapons inspector called Hans was searching my bed for WMDs and singing a Coldplay Song - I Will Blix You.

#wokeupthismorning and made up some very structured jokes about Cleo Laine’s doo-be-poos. I love scatological humour.

#wokeupthismorning after dreaming I had a night of passion with Ian Curtis. We felt closer after unknown pleasures but it wasn’t permanent.

#wokeupthismorning after a lacklustre threesome on top of Kilimanjaro with Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell. Ain’t no mounting high enough.

#wokeupthismorning & Brian May made me a whisky and did a trip-hop version of a Queen song in a very high voice. It was a slow-helium rap-toddy

#wokeupthismorning & saw Chrissie Hynde advertising Anusol with that song she wrote about her terrible haemorrhoids: 2,000 Piles.

#wokeupthismorning and everyone was bothering me. Then I realised it was Mithering Sunday.

#wokeupthismorning after a night of bondage with an American who asked me to pretend to be Chrissie Hynde. It was Back On The Chain Wang.